So since I started this nursing course I have been all over the place. I’m not going to say that it’s all been caused by uni but life has been harder because I am at uni.
I started in September last year studying children’s nursing and I was really excited but I did find it so different and so much more difficult to what I was studying last year.
I also didn’t disclose anything to any of my lecturers about having BPD or any of my issues as I was worried I would have to leave the course. In fact, I still spend a lot of time worrying about this.
The stress is quite high around passing exams and assignments. I really worry about it and I worry to the point where I feel like I can’t write anything at all.
I also feel like I don’t have any close friends like I had last year, and I really miss that. A lot of my friends don’t know much about me. They don’t even know I’m gay. I just never felt that comfortable.
I feel like there’s quite a lot of stigma around female nurses being gay and about having mental health issues and working in the NHS.
However, this might just be me self-stigmatising. I feel like I can’t have these “issues” and be a nurse so I hide them away. Which in turn puts a lot of stress on me.
It’s hypocritical of myself, as I wouldn’t tell a patient to bottle it up. I would tell them to talk about it. I would also tell other members of staff to as well, but I still can’t.
In my first placement I really struggled as I worked with some really difficult people. And after that I really wanted to give up.
I do want to keep going on with this course but sometimes I just feel like it would be easier to give up. I don’t feel clever or smart enough for it, but I feel like I can be a nurse.