It’s been 2 months since I last wrote a blog post, I’m sorry.
Things haven’t been great to be honest. I don’t know how to explain things very well but I want to try. I guess I’ve relapsed on several things but I can’t say I’ve relapsed from recovery because I don’t know that I’m recovered.
It was in the new year where things started to go downhill again. I was supposed to start placement on the 1st of January and I did but within a week I got physically unwell and was “signed off” for three weeks. In this period, I had a lot of thinking time to myself and felt useless and stressed out.
When I finally went back to placement I was really far behind. I didn’t feel very supported by the staff there and found it extremely difficult. I was also told that I didn’t seem very enthusiastic and this just made me feel worse. But actually, I was just very under-confident and anxious.
During the days when I was at uni I did have a lecturer who would ask me if things were okay but I feel very pressured into not saying how I’m feeling as I don’t want to have to leave my course. Truth is, I just don’t think I’m very well at the moment.
I’m spending a lot of time stigmatising myself, because when I had the flu at the beginning of the year I didn’t really think twice about taking the time off. Yet I wouldn’t dare do it now for a mental illness.
I’m currently feeling quite depressed, anxious, struggling with my mood, and also eating. It’s all a great big mess and I haven’t felt this bad since when I was sixth form.
My days are kind of just disappearing. Before I used to dissociate by accident without realising. But at the moment I am kind of trying to do it deliberately in order to not have to feel anxious all day. It seems like I can’t win either way though.
And food, well that’s always been the enemy but even more so at the moment. My thoughts are consumed by what I should and shouldn’t be eating and what I should do to get rid of calories etc.
I’m all over the place. It’s affecting my life massively as I find myself arguing with everyone, have a short temper, and just feeling so bad about myself. I hate the way I don’t feel I’m in control at the moment.
I’m inviting bad people back into my life because I want to be loved. I can think semi-rationally about that right now, but in about an hours’ time I will probably think that’s a great idea. I’m struggling to think straight and clearly.
I feel disgusted by myself. I want help but by the time I feel ready to ask for it I don’t believe that I need it anymore. I don’t feel as supported as I have done in the past and I don’t feel I can be as honest as I want to be because I don’t want to hurt them.
I don’t know what will happen. I’ll probably get out this dark patch and wonder what on earth I was thinking, but I don’t know.
I don’t really feel alive, and I spend a lot of time questioning the point in things. It’s really difficult. The thoughts I was having before are back.
But I know that if I reached out to friends I would get some support. I just can’t.
The hardest part is, I guess I look okay. I mean I go to uni, I *kinda* do my work. But I guess I’m just trying to hide it because I don’t want people to think I’m struggling.
Anyway, that’s enough.