Coming out, and again, and again

So as it’s lesbian day of visibility I want to tell you how I came out as gay, or how I didn’t.

I always think I ‘fancied’ girls more than boys. But I obviously didn’t really no much about lesbians when I was younger.

When I was in year 8 I became best friends with a girl who told me she was bisexual and I was amazed at how open she could be and how she didn’t seem to worry about it.

I knew that I was probably gay at this age but didn’t want to say anything.

When I was in year 9 I was desperate for a relationship. So I dated a boy In the year below for three weeks. The furthest we got was holding hands.

I then also dated one of my best friends (male) who also later came out as gay. Again nothing more than hand holding.

When I got into year ten I discovered stonewall and ran assemblys on homophobia, still not having come out as I didn’t want anyone to think I was gay.

I also went away on stonewalls young volunteer programme but still wasn’t out to anyone.

It was in year 11 though where everything changed. Within a few weeks of starting this year I was outed. And within a day everyone in my year knew except my twin and I felt like my world had fallen apart.

This was meant to be something I decided no one else. Yet one person managed to ruin it for me. Or so I thought.

The next day I went into school I was terrifed. A lot of people were talking about it but only one person actually asked if it was true.

My best friend (who I came out to a few months prior) was supported and I just cried to her for a good few hours.

The rest of my year group were also supportive and anybody who wasn’t very popular with everybody else.

But at this point my sister still didn’t know.

It was about a month later when I told her. She was fine. I told her how rubbish the whole thing was making me feel.

I spoke to a teacher about it. And then the following week I came out to my dad.

The next step was my mum. I left coming out to her for months as i thought my stepdad was homophobic.

Eventually I came out to my mum via letter. I think this upset her as she felt like I couldn’t talk to her. But really she was fine with it and so was my stepdad.

My step family found out through subtle things on Facebook .

The next significant thing was my gran. I went to pride when I was in year 12 and my dad told my gran where I was going and told her that I was gay when I didn’t say he could tell her.

My dad didn’t see the problem but I felt like where I was at the beginning, it was being taken out of my hands.

My gran was fine with it.

My nanny and Gramps found out via the news, which probably wasn’t the best way. We don’t really talk about it but they haven’t disowned me either so that’s fine.

My grandad still doesn’t know.

It is a constant thing though. People do tend to assume your straight unless otherwise stated.

When I was in Liverpool I made it clear I was gay yet still ended up dating a guy. Although I have no sexual interest in him and see him as a friend. And I still call myself gay.

Since I stated uni in Bristol however, ive kept it quiet. I’ve just joked around and spoke about “how fit guys are” etc as it feels easier.

I’m not ashamed of who I am but sometimes it just doesn’t feel right to say anything.

I have found though that I have received less stigma for being gay than I have for being mentally ill.

To think at one point they would have been considered the same thing.

Anyway, happy lesbian day of visibility !

Love,

Abbie xx

(Just going off to watch something with Sue Perkins in)