Blogging Advent- Day 1- “Maybe I’m not very well”

 

Hi, I’m aware I haven’t blogged in a while so I’ve decided to do a blog every day for advent (well at least try to). These blogs are going to be about various things, some about mental health but also some about other topics. I haven’t planned them yet, so they may be (most definitely will be) rough around the edges.  Some may contain trigger warnings; I will say this before the start of the post.

 

The first one is going to be an update on my life at the moment. This contains a TRIGGER WARNING.

 

Day 1- “Maybe I’m not very well”

The times when I start spiralling normally end with this phrase, “Maybe I’m not very well”. This usually crops up in my head when I can snap myself out of a vicious cycle of thoughts that I’ve had whilst being in a potentially dangerous situation.

It happened to me today once I had got on the train. I had spent my time waiting for the train, stood past the line, staring at the tracks. I know deep down I wouldn’t do it, but I couldn’t help but think that that was what I wanted.

I haven’t self-harmed now in 7 months. I stopped when I found out I had a place on my nursing degree, and although at times I have desperately craved it, I still haven’t done it.

I feel bad being a nursing student and talking about this stuff. You are kind of expected not to talk about it, if it’s about yourself. You’re told to listen to patients talk about it, just not talk about your own experiences. They should remain private, between you and your GP.

A lot of things have been piling up for me since I started my course in September.

I’ve kept a lot of secrets. My friends on my course don’t know how bad my mental health was, they don’t know my diagnosis, they don’t know I was threatened with being sectioned at one point. I don’t want them to think any less of me, in my opinion in order to do this job you have to present yourself as, and seem “normal”.

This goes for sexuality as well, none of them know I’m gay. I haven’t told them. As someone who is more open about this than my mental health, it’s shocked me that I haven’t said anything. But it has just never felt like the right time. I just join in and talk about boys with them.

It’s really hard, I feel like I’ve taken 5 leaps backwards.

I know, that it’s my choice on whether I tell people these things. But, with my mental health it feels like it isn’t my choice. I just can’t mention it, if I do I am risking everything I worked so hard for. So, if I can’t speak to them I need to get help.

This is easier said than done at the moment. Getting an appointment at my doctors is nearing impossible. I live in a town where there is a high percentage of elderly people. These people are guaranteed the appointments, leaving the rest of us with no Dr for months.

What’s most irritating for me is that when I was up in Liverpool I was offered it all.  I had an appointment at the eating disorder clinic, I was on the list for DBT, I could have a doctor’s appointment everyday if I wanted to.  I felt so supported, but here there’s nothing and it terrifies me.

It’s really hard work to keep going, it’s exhausting in every way. But I will keep going and carry on. I know that I’m really not very well at the moment, but I have to keep going as I do believe it will get better.

Abbie xx

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