“Borderline personality disorder* (BPD) is a type of personality disorder. Personality disorders are a type of mental health problem where your attitudes, beliefs and behaviours cause you longstanding problems in your life.” (MIND 2015)
*Recently reclassified as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD)
I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 19, although people had questioned whether that might be the case before this diagnosis. BPD is one of those Mh problems that health professionals don’t like giving the diagnosis to people under the age of 18. The reason for this being is because the symptoms could be mistaken for “adolescent mood swings”.
Although BPD has a set of diagnostic symptoms, it does portray itself differently within people. For me personally, my biggest issue is “black and white thinking”.
The other day when I walked into my bedroom I noticed I had two drinks next to each other on my bedside table, one was Coca-cola and the other was Diet coke. It wasn’t weird that they were there, as I had bought them. But it was the fact that I had bought one with 0 calories and one with a lot more calories. It was when I realised this that I thought it was a brilliant representation to how my mind works with my BPD.
In my mind a coca-cola day would be a day where I’m overindulging but also not having any energy and not being very nice to myself, a diet coke day would be the opposite.
For me there is no middle ground, I tend to find that I’m either super super happy or depressed and struggling to drag myself round. I’m either not eating anything or I’m binging . Having a bath everyday or not washing for weeks. I’m either working really hard or not doing anything at all.
The middle ground is something for me that rarely exists, and if it ever does it really is nothing/numbness.
With “black/white thinking” in my case, I have such extreme emotions swinging back and forth. These feelings can change in the time period of hours or minutes, and I have very little control of this.
I’m writing this whilst still in my pyjamas at 2:30pm in the afternoon, having not had a bath in a week, and having gorged on a whole tub of ice-cream. Yet this morning I had all of these grand intentions of getting everything done.
Today I’m having a very much coca-cola day.