*First off I just want to put a little warning up here. Although this is a positive post it does mention the times when things weren’t so positive, the beginning bit may be upsetting*
I feel the need to write this post for several reasons, firstly, it is a direct response to something that happened to me recently, secondly, I need to get a few things of my chest, thirdly, I want to send a message to other people that things get better, and finally I want to remind myself how far I’ve come.
Up until roughly four/ five months ago, I was self-harming nearly every day, I was having chronic suicidal thoughts, and had an horrific relationship with food and my body. Eight months ago, I moved over two hundred miles up north from where I grew up to go to uni.
Not long after being there I met someone, he was lovely, or so I thought, however, I had never had a relationship with a guy before, and for me it was scary. So, I never made it official, however he kept saying how we were together. Eventually I caved in and said we could take it slow. Things didn’t feel right though, and then one night I went out with him and group of friends. The whole night I repeatedly asked not to be left alone with him, and I wasn’t, until I had gone back with him and friend to his, and she left me with him, things didn’t end well. The worst of things didn’t happen, however, what did happen wasn’t good.
However, I forgave him. My first example of people changing. I don’t think he meant what happened that night. I spent a whole lot time blaming myself, however, I know now it’s not my fault. It was his. I then spent a lot of time hating him for everything he did but I realised the only person that was hurting was me, so I forgave him. I honestly think he and I changed from that experience, my first example of people changing.
The biggest example of this is that I am better than I was. I have gone through some of the worst experiences in the last 6 months, and being away from my family didn’t help that. However, it has changed me massively and made me so much stronger survived.
It’s been six years since all this started. And now it’s pretty much non-existent. Now I’m not saying things are perfect for me, because I guarantee that if someone who didn’t have mental health issues had my mind they would still think there was a lot wrong. However, I’m the happiest and strongest I have ever felt. I feel balanced, and the only way this has all happened was by me sticking through the awful bits.
Love Abz xx