Signs I’m Coping

Signs I’m coping better…

I have a mental health issue that will always be there, so I will never be fully recovered. However, I know that I am coping with things in a much better way and I’m learning to live again.

So below is a list of reasons as to how I know I am coping a lot better than I was:

  • I’m smiling; I can tell I’m smiling more as my face can start to hurt, which obviously implies I wasn’t smiling much before.
  • I’m talking about it; I talk about how I’m feeling and I’m fairly open and honest about my mental illness. Talking about it has been a massive thing is trying to help me feel better.
  • I’m eating; as soon as my eating goes wrong, then I know I’m not mentally my best. But as long as I am eating enough and not overcompensating for it then I know I am doing well.
  • I’m brushing my teeth; I know it’s a grim thought me not brushing my teeth twice a day but when you feel like rubbish it’s the last thing on your mind.
  • I’m showering; same as above.
  • I’m getting out of bed; my worse days are when I lie in bed all day, so any day I do get out I see it as an achievement.
  • I’m going out; when I say going out I don’t mean clubbing. I mean something as simple as going out of my room into my kitchen or going to the uni shop.
  • I’m socialising; at my worst I just don’t talk to anyone and instead isolate myself which in turn makes me feel worse, so as long as I’m talking to people then I am coping.
  • I’m sleeping; when things get bad I don’t sleep, which then makes me feel even worse. But if I sleep then I feel better and if I feel better I sleep better.
  • I engage; I engage with what I’m doing, I feel, I interact, I live.
  • I LAUGH; rather than being numb and dazed, I have enjoyment and laugh.

I wouldn’t be where I am today and be able to write this post if it wasn’t for the amazing family, friends, teacher, and health professionals, who have helped and supported me and made me realise that things do get better.

‘I’m being pulled in a new direction’…

A couple of days ago, I found out I had got a place In UWE to study Children’s Nursing.

Ever since I was young I knew that was what I wanted to do. However, when I went to apply through UCAS last year I was told not to apply for it, and instead applied for Philosophy (which I do enjoy), and was hoping that I would enjoy it so much and not miss the idea of nursing. However, this didn’t happen, instead I really struggling doing what I was doing as I didn’t enjoy it.

So, I decided to apply for Children’s nursing and I got in.

I had a few bad thoughts about it though. I was thinking that I should have done it at the beginning considering I had already resat a year of 6th form. However, I know that I was not in a good enough place mentally to do it back then.

I also thought that people would think of me as a failure as I’ve decided to move back home and study in a fairly local university as opposed to 200 miles away like I was previously. However, I know the reasons why I am living at home and It’s not because I can’t cope living away (or else I wouldn’t have lasted the year in Liverpool), It’s because the university is the best for the course and because it works out cheaper to live at home. Also, I’ve now realised it doesn’t matter, I don’t need to prove anything, as long as I am doing something good and that I enjoy.

So my message for you guys is to do what you want and what you feel is the best thing, regardless of other people’s opinions.

Love,

Abz xxx

Change Happens

*First off I just want to put a little warning up here. Although this is a positive post it does mention the times when things weren’t so positive, the beginning bit may be upsetting*

 

I feel the need to write this post for several reasons, firstly, it is a direct response to something that happened to me recently, secondly, I need to get a few things of my chest, thirdly, I want to send a message to other people that things get better, and finally I want to remind myself how far I’ve come.

Up until roughly four/ five months ago, I was self-harming nearly every day, I was having chronic suicidal thoughts, and had an horrific relationship with food and my body. Eight months ago, I moved over two hundred miles up north from where I grew up to go to uni.

Not long after being there I met someone, he was lovely, or so I thought, however, I had never had a relationship with a guy before, and for me it was scary. So, I never made it official, however he kept saying how we were together. Eventually I caved in and said we could take it slow. Things didn’t feel right though, and then one night I went out with him and group of friends. The whole night I repeatedly asked not to be left alone with him, and I wasn’t, until I had gone back with him and friend to his, and she left me with him, things didn’t end well. The worst of things didn’t happen, however, what did happen wasn’t good.

However, I forgave him. My first example of people changing. I don’t think he meant what happened that night. I spent a whole lot time blaming myself, however, I know now it’s not my fault. It was his. I then spent a lot of time hating him for everything he did but I realised the only person that was hurting was me, so I forgave him. I honestly think he and I changed from that experience, my first example of people changing.

The biggest example of this is that I am better than I was. I have gone through some of the worst experiences in the last 6 months, and being away from my family didn’t help that. However, it has changed me massively and made me so much stronger survived.

It’s been six years since all this started. And now it’s pretty much non-existent. Now I’m not saying things are perfect for me, because I guarantee that if someone who didn’t have mental health issues had my mind they would still think there was a lot wrong. However, I’m the happiest and strongest I have ever felt. I feel balanced, and the only way this has all happened was by me sticking through the awful bits.

Stay strong,

Love Abz xx