I Tried to Kill Myself …
*This post is going to contain mentions of suicide and self-harm.
The first time I tried to kill myself I was 16. It was a couple of weeks into sixth form, and I remember it like it was yesterday.
I had spent the first few days of sixth form in a daze. I went into school, and walked out at the end of the day but not really paying attention to anything in between. This just kept getting worse, I was still self-harming from the summer holidays but I had then started doing it during school.
After two weeks of being at sixth form, I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore, and I took an overdose.
I had gone to the shop in my lunch break and bought paracetamol, and then took them all when I got back to the school. I felt relieved that I had done it. The rest of the day I just walked round feeling a bit more “out of it” than usual, but I sort of felt happy.
When I got home I went straight to bed. And slept for a bit until dinner.
I ate the tinniest bit of dinner and then my mum noticed something was wrong I told her was just feeling sick.
It got to about 8pm and then I started to panic, I didn’t think I actually wanted to die, but at the same I couldn’t think of any other way.
I distinctly remember setting alarms for 11pm, 2am, 5am, and then 7.30 am. I did this to make sure I was still alive.
When I got up in the morning I told mum I was still ill.
Then I decided I needed to tell her. I waited until my sister had gone and then went downstairs. I stood next her in the kitchen until she realised something was up.
I told her what I did and was met with an hour of shouting and crying. I told her I didn’t think I needed to go to the doctors and then went to school.
When I got there my tutor told me off for being late, but obviously, she had no idea what had happened.
The next few days I was pretty thankful to be alive.
But this carried on for a while.
I continued taking overdoses, risking things by taking more and stronger types of tablets. I took them at school and at home. There’s part of me that wonders what the teachers thought when I was literally walking round like a zombie after taking so many. This went on through the whole time I was in sixth form.
I was lucky though, because I’m still here today.
It’s a hard battle but one I continue to fight.
Love Abz xxx